Midnight Sessions

10 degrees

No winter air more frigid than the affection of the emotionally weak and weary. No mountain more immovable than the heart that no longer beats for you. My erroneous love, the story I thought we were building is long past through.

Judgment Day

She woke up, rose-colored glasses free and said, “I don’t love you anymore.”

He asked her with immense confusion painted on his face “who is it?”

She responded, “me.”

And he crossed his heart, and hoped she lied.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

His fear of her flying would force her hand, and his ego wouldn’t allow her to step outside of the mold he thought he created around her

Shoving her into a box he hid from everyone

Roaming to and fro

Until he was ready to return and assume her presence to remain.

She wouldn’t breathe so long as he was happy

Suffocating

She decided to exhale a little

As she cried, her tears loosened the grip of the cast she clung to, gasping

Waiting

One day he returned to lift the lid and on schedule, feed her

Just enough to keep her

He didn’t know she clung now to the ceiling, waiting for freedom

And as he spoke, she flew off, never to return

The Chase

Me? Chasing someone who’s chasing someone who’s chasing someone else? 

Why…….thats like a slow and painful way of killing myself….

And quite frankly, there’s easier ways to do it

Mastercard

I granted you access to my heart and you treated it like credit.

You spent and spent on yourself

The bill is unpaid

You are indebted

Major Arcana: The Moon

The shadows grew and the appearance of the same things she looked at everyday now seemed so different. How could things be THIS DIFFERENT? 

She always thought that what’s done in the dark comes to the light but what if it was the light that blinded her from the truth? 

The sun- so bright, so promising, went away and the truth shined brightly with the coming of night.

And everything she knew to be true no longer looked the same under the light of the moon

Major Arcana: The Devil

I told myself a million times that I was finished with you, that I was done

Yet, as soon as I truly convinced my mind

phone vibrates “INBOX (1)”

Fields

“I just wanna be free,

Free of every single care

In a field of golden and red

And every burden that weighs on me

Will fall away like a soft rain

And fall into a stream

In fields of golden and green”

-Raye

Credit: Adobe

It seems as though the rat race never ends. Constantly on the hamster wheel of life. I find myself desiring to live a simpler life. Less physical stuff, fewer demands, a quiet plot of land on a back road in the country with only one or two neighbors and plenty of grass to frolic in.

When Raye says “I just wanna be free,” I feel that’s a simple request, don’t you? 

Unfortunately…wait unfortunately what? 

I was going to say that unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You will never be free of every single care. But I think I need to stop that mindset.

I think in life we have to “choose our hard” and pick the road less traveled but most fulfilling. That way, the stresses that come will feel….

Hmmm why do I keep assuming there will be stress? Why can’t everything just go smoothly???

Maybe freedom is much harder to achieve than I thought…well for me at least. So many preconceived notions on the difficulty of reaching a certain lifestyle. Quotes like “if it’s worth it, it won’t be easy.”

So, now I am saying to myself: “you mean to tell me that the universe can’t pull a few strings to give you everything you want without you lifting a finger?”

And now, here I go pulling scripture from the bible… let me find it 

Proverbs 10:22 - The blessing from the LORD makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow to it.

Define “rich” and “sorrow” however you will. I’m honestly just trying to change my mindset real quick.

So, yea, I want every burden that weighs on me, to fall away like a soft rain and fall into a stream.

Then I can be free to write, travel, and play without guilt. 

I want to choose… 

I want a true choice.

Not the illusion of choice where if you choose your highest most abundant life, you face the threat of getting kicked out of your home because the bills arent paid, or you lose your kids because …. Well let’s not even go there.

I see I have a problem with “yucking my own yum” a.k.a bringing myself back to reality…or am I just allowing fearful thoughts and entertaining negative outcomes?

I complained about the rat-race, but at least I know what to expect out there in this world. 

The world I actually want to create has more unknowns than I am ready to face.

But is there ever a good time to choose freedom? To say “eff the consequences ...this is what I want???”

Well, clearly, I am not in the position right now to tell you how to live.

All I can do is let you know that I feel the same way as you.

Hopefully, when we are ready, there will still be fields to play in. 

Until then, give the song “Fields” by Raye a listen

And I’ll see ya later. :)

I crave human connection insatiably

I lay on my back in the dark, listening to music that makes me reflect on my current state of being. Lyrics that cascade through my head like swirling thoughts that won’t leave me alone. Words that latch onto my brain like spiders in disarray – that make me yearn for a peace only fulfilling my desires can provide.

I’ve always known myself to be an ambivert. I love to socialize and step outside of my comfort zone when the situation calls for it. [When I’m charged up and mentally prepared.] But I get overstimulated sometimes. My battery tends to drain faster than the more extroverted bunch. I may isolate from time to time and take that time to create in solitude, so that I can break out of my shell again later. Lately, though, that solitude has started to feel deafening, and the urge to break out has only become stronger.

Laying in bed in the dark, I find myself realizing that I crave physical human connection insatiably.

To meet people in person. To bond over inappropriate laughter and aligning passions. Be surrounded by people that look like me & keep a connection that burns hotter & hotter inside of me, but never extinguishes. When the only [community] you’ve been able to access were a front for an unstable corporate structure, or entirely online, a hunger for face-to-face interactions would rise in you, too.

But what do you do when you’re yearning at 2am and no one else is awake to provide?

You lay there. and you ache.

For the atmosphere. For kindred spirits. The network. Parties. Performances. The safety that’s been missing from most human connections for so long.

So in turn, I’m outside and I’m open. I’m traveling for my passions. Going to creative meetups & workshops. Reconnections are happening & plans are making it out of the chat. I’m dancing and skating my worries away. Music is backing my journey like theme music. I’m doing everything I can to float like a butterfly this year.

I did say I wanted my whimsy back, and this is going to help me do just that.